confessions of a waffle house junkie

2003-04-17T16:52:00.000-05:00

check out the new blog

thank you for your time

2002-09-09T12:04:00.000-05:00

lotsa stuff

well, one week ago today, my friend nancy moved to honduras. today, my dear sweet friends laurie and chris are leaving for a semester in france. two days from now is the anniversary of 9/11. (for some good thoughts on that, check out what lisa had to say) one week from today i move back to nashville officially. and, for the first time, i let september 1 pass by without really getting depressed. on september 1, 1997, i lost a good friend to a motorcycle wreck. usually, the anniversary of that day is really tough. but this year...i don't know really what made this year different. of course i still miss chris, and i wish that we hadn't lost him, but i guess this year, i have a little different perspective on things. we're all getting older...friends are getting married and having babies and such. but i don't really think that's all of why my perspective has changed. my life has changed...almost everything about me has changed since this time last year. so i guess that it's good that i was finally able to remember chris last sunday...five years after he died...but not let the sadness that has always accompanied the anniversary of his death control me. however, i will always remember chris...and always fondly.

2002-08-28T17:08:00.000-05:00

The heart of a skeptic and the mind of a child
Put my life in a box, and let my imagination run wild
Pour the cement for my feet
The heart and the mind on a parallel course, never the two shall meet
-Emily Saliers

oh how this describes my life...

2002-08-19T13:36:00.000-05:00

taking a break from organizing my life and trying to fit it all in boxes and bags...yikes. i have four categories of stuff going on...stuff that's going to nashville, stuff that's being stored at my parents' house, stuff that's going to goodwill, and stuff that's going in the trash.

sorry i've been so lax in reporting goings-on lately. i've been rather preoccupied with several things, including the impending move back to nashville. i'm kinda sorta maybe dating someone, but probably not for much longer. it's just kinda been one of those random things that happens so fast you don't really have time to think about it. well, i've thought about it now and realized that while i like this guy and i want to hang out with him, we really probably shouldn't be dating. more on that as it occurs.

as for other stuff, i'm just hanging out with folks and getting really excited about moving. heading to nashville tomorrow to spend the day with my friend nancy, who is about to move to honduras. oh yeah, and there's the big exciting news in bowling green...not related to me, but exciting nonetheless...valerie and matt are FINALLY engaged! yay! it's about time...they've been dating for almost 6 years! ; ) i don't know if the actual wedding date has been made public yet, but it has been set. i'm really excited for val. things have not exactly gone great in her life for the past year or so. it's good to see her happy again.

ok, all my junk is calling me to continue the organization process. hope everyone had a beautiful weekend!!

2002-08-05T15:25:00.000-05:00

hey all, i'm back. many things to report. first off, a belated happy 1st anniversary to my blog. yep, it's been around since late july of last year.

went to san antonio to visit my wonderful friends cryste and keith and their new baby melia. she is just too precious! can't wait to finish my roll of film so i can see all the pictures i took of the little angel! cryste, chelle, and i had lots of fun just talking girl talk and playing with miss melia. it was a much needed vacation.

shortly after i got back from texas, i threw the school search into full gear. i had narrowed it down to three schools, all in middle tennessee. dad and i went to nashville one day, and after dropping him off in brentwood, i decided to check out things at trevecca. let's just say that things went REALLY well there. less than 72 hours after first heading down murfreesboro road to check things out, i was registered for classes and had a place to live! God was definitely guiding me those few days! everything was falling into place so quickly it was truly amazing. so i'm moving back to nashville pretty soon!!! my apartment isn't going to be ready until the middle of september, and classes start aug 27th, so i'll be commuting for a few weeks, but that's okay. i can handle that.

i can't express how thankful i am that God has allowed everything to work out so that i can get back to nashville. my heart is there, and i can't wait to get the rest of me back there, too!

2002-07-19T22:11:00.000-05:00

it's very hard to pick up where i left off and still describe the past week of my life. no, i didn't get the job. but i'm totally okay with it...i was convicted this week. i hadn't given my job situation to God. i thought i had..but all that time I was trying to control what was going to happen. i have something else i'm working on, but i know that whatever God wants me to be doing, He'll work it out.

i can't explain how wonderful camp was. to boil it down to the simplest terms, God is so amazing...beyond anything i had ever imagined. camp was just incredible. the kids were great, the setting was awesome, and i renewed some old friendships while making new friendships with wonderful people. i love the Lord, and i'm feeling His joy now more than i have in a very long time.

just a little snippet of the past week before i pack for san antonio...the other counselor in my cabin was a girl named jamie. she and another lipscomb student have been working different church camps all summer long. jamie and i met once or twice when i was still in nashville, but never hung out. we made up for that this week! we had such an instant connection that the girls in our cabin thought we'd been friends for years! i don't know that i've laughed as hard as i laughed with jamie...what a funny girl. just a few of the little funny instances for ya..."poopie!" "hey hud, how about those winston cup races?" "holy! it's wicked hot out here!" "someone turn out the sun!" "if you touch my stuff, i'm gonna break your fingers off!" "is it time to say bye yet?" "who farted? i know my farts, and that was TOTALLY NOT my fart!" "it's exactly the same, but TOTALLY different!"
i know none of y'all will get that (unless jamie happens to stop by), but i'll get a good laugh out of it down the road!

2002-07-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

heading to church camp on sunday, so this will probably be my last post for quite a while. i leave for san antonio almost immediately after getting back from camp, but i'll try to pop in for a sec and give everyone an update. as for the job interview today, it went really well. i was thinking that it would just be with the principal and maybe the assistant principal, but it was the entire site-based decision making team. it consists of two parents and three teacher reps, plus the principal. i knew all three teacher reps and one of the parents, though, so that was good. it was definitely nice to see michelle's friendly face when i walked in all nervous and on edge! anyway, the last of the interviews was right after mine, and they were supposed to make the decision tonight. i'll know sometime early next week. (they know i'll be gone...hopefully i'll get a call at camp) so anyway, don't come here if you're expecting an update. i'll probably just call jodi and let her know, and then if it's something good, i'll either get her to post a comment here or just put something on the swimteam boards.

not much else going on around here...ran into my fabulous cousin carolee this morning (sister of the infamous-butterfly-datin' dawson). she is just a scream. she was telling me about getting on dawson because he doesn't wash his hair. (he really doesn't...it's grossy gross) said dawson, "but do you realize how much money i save since i don't buy shampoo???" said carolee, "but do YOU realize how NASTY you are???" hehe...wonder what butterfly thinks...yes, his girlfriend's REAL name is butterfly. c'mon folks, you think i would make that junk up?? anyway...carolee and i had a nice little chat and are planning to get together after i finish traipsing around the country.

ok, that's it...gotta go do laundry and pack for all my crazy trips!

2002-07-10T09:50:00.000-05:00

update on the job search...i had an interview yesterday with a cellular phone company here in bowling green, and i have another interview friday for a special ed aide job in franklin. yesterday's interview went really well, and it's a job i think i could like. but of course, i really would prefer an education-type job. the cell job would pay more, and it's about a 5 minute drive from my house. the school job pays less and is about a 25 minute drive away...but i have to say that if offered both jobs, i would take the school one. this is the school district where i've done a lot of subbing in the past, and it's also the school where my mom taught for 22 of her 27 years in franklin. soooo...we'll have to see what pans out. i'm really pulling for the special ed thing, but who knows...i just hope i get at least one offer out of these two interviews.

so that's what's going on with me these days. about to start getting stuff ready for the two remaining trips...camp and san antonio. we had a youth group planning committee meeting last night, and it went really well. i'm going to be working with the high school juniors over the next school year, and i'm really excited. i'm working with a really cool married couple who are also my age, and that will be nice, too. there are a lot of girls in this group, and most of them are pretty active in the church. but none of them are big leaders, and there are a couple of them who really have the potential to be good leaders. lee (our youth minister) told me that he put me with that group because those girls really look up to me. intimidating, yes, but good. now i'm trying to keep each one of those girls (and the 4 guys in the group, of course) in my prayers constantly. ok, that's it...i'm outta here

2002-07-09T15:50:00.000-05:00

umm...where are my comments?

2002-07-07T23:16:00.000-05:00

oh yeah, forgot to mention that kelly and i have tickets to the (essentially) sold out john mayer concert in august! it's at the ryman auditorium and i am so pumped! there are only about 20 tickets left, and they're all obstructed view, so i guess you could call it sold out. yay john mayer!!!

2002-07-06T16:22:00.000-05:00

sorry for my absence these last couple of weeks. things get so crazy around here that i kinda forget to update this thingie. latest news...not going to florida. it's a long, sad story that ends with me getting in an ugly argument with a good friend. i hate it, but if this person had been honest about some things (totally unrelated to florida) it never would've happened. i deserve some blame, too, but at least i was truthful with the things i said. don't know if i'm going to camp either. that one is out of my hands...our church might have to cancel senior high camp for a number of reasons. and with the floods in san antonio, who knows if i'll be going there either. yikes...i had three fun trips planned, and now it's down to one - and it doesn't look too good.

more random calls from old friends. heard from lara beth last week. i had called her - totally out of the blue and with no idea whether or not she would call back. i really said some hurtful things to her - but that was a long time ago, and i have apologized. we'd just kinda lost touch over the last year or so, and i didn't know if she would call me back or not. but she did and we had a nice talk. we're going out to dinner tonight, so we'll see how that goes.

other than that, not much going on...a few job prospects, but nothing i'll know about immediately.

2002-06-26T00:10:00.000-05:00

i was going to go to bed earlier...no really, i was. but i just can't seem to wind down and get all these thoughts out of my head. i really need a job. it's very frustrating right now...i'm in bowling green, but i don't want to be here, and i know i'm not staying here. but i don't know exactly where i'm going to be...i could try to find a job in nashville or murfreesboro, but i don't know which of those places i'll end up...or even if i'll end up in tennessee. but money is basically non-existent right now, and i'm getting pretty down about the whole job prospect thing. the job market in bowling green really sucks right now, which makes it incredibly hard to find something - anything - here. it's all beginning to feel like a catch-22, and it's really pulling me down.

2002-06-22T15:29:00.000-05:00

so i'm sitting around reading last night, and my cell phone rings. i'm figuring it's either jodi or kelly (who has yet to remember that my birthday was this week). nope, neither of those, but it was birthday wishes from a quite unlikely source...carla. carla's an interesting chick. we've been friends for close to 6 years now, and i've yet to figure her out. while it was quite odd and surprising to hear from her, it was nice to know she's alive and well.

my birthday was rather uneventful, but i guess that's okay. still had a good time, this week. went out to eat with my family and then with valerie and emma. it was nice. thinking about heading to nashville in a little bit...there is absolutely nothing going on in bowling green today and i'm getting restless. plus, it's like 2,000 degrees outside and i'm sick of my house. ok, i'm heading to nashville! have a great weekend!

2002-06-18T13:26:00.000-05:00

sorry for my lack of communication over the past couple of weeks...not really a whole lot to talk about, i guess. chelle and i nailed down our plans for our big trip to san antonio, so i guess that's pretty exciting! can't wait to see little melia...i'm sure she's a precious little angel!

i'm so much more content now than i've been recently. i'm sure it's because i've finally decided to leave this place. beth is back in town after (finally) graduating from lindsey wilson college, and that's great, but it doesn't change my situation any. but it is great to have one of my dearest friends back in bowling green. good news from another old friend...page and gregg are expecting their first baby in december! man, i'm getting old...turning 26 tomorrow...grrr...

2002-06-04T15:40:00.000-05:00

God is so wonderful...i have been so stressed out about telling my family that i don't really want to stay in bowling green, but He took care of it for me. i was talking to my mom today, and we started talking about school. out of nowhere, she said, "you really don't want to stay in bowling green, do you?" she wasn't accusatory or anything...just a simple question. and for once, i let it all (well, most of it, at least) spill out. i told her that i don't see any future for me here, and staying here would only depress and suffocate me even more than it already is. we talked about it for a while, and i told her how i had started investigating some other schools - all outside of kentucky. she was totally cool with it...much better than i thought it would be. i was so afraid that when i told her about all this junk, she'd just accuse me of (once again) delaying my education. yes, i have fooled around too much, but i really did need this year to kinda recover from the last few years and all the heartaches they brought on. i'm not fully recovered, but i'm getting there, and i'm ready to move on.

bowling green is a nice town, and it was a great place to grow up. but it holds nothing for me anymore. so, on to the search for a new place for this rambling soul!

2002-05-31T10:28:00.000-05:00

potentially big news on the hill (western) today...the big man - chris marcus, that is - could be putting off the NBA and coming back for another year at WKU! press conference later today...this could be huge!!! (man, i love college basketball...how long until practice starts???)

2002-05-30T23:59:00.000-05:00

ok, after tweaking my comments a bit, they are finally appearing in the right place...at least i think they are...

anyway, i'm officially jobless now. don't ask me what i'm going to do, because i sure as shootin' don't have a clue. guess i'm just going to have to trust that God has something lined up for me. here's an update on the school situation, though. i'm not taking classes in the summer, or in the fall for that matter. i'm not exactly happy with the way western is running the program i'm in, so i'm dropping out of it. i'm planning on staying in bowling green for another year, then moving on to another school, hopefully one where i can get my certification in about a year or something like that. right now, i'm looking at schools that offer a post-bachelor's certification program. i don't really want to move back to the nashville area, but i know MTSU (in murfreesboro) has a program i could easily get into. the best current option is at UT in knoxville, where i could finish in a year (plus summers). of course, i haven't clued my family in on this little tidbit, but i'll get around to that one of these days!

had a great time last weekend hanging out with laurie and chris, who were in nashville for jason's big farewell. (he left for los angeles this week) a friend of mine who hadn't previously met laurie went out to dinner with us sunday night, and commented on the many similarities between me and laurie. i had never really thought about it, but we do have a lot of the same mannerisms and expressions. guess that happens when you've been such good friends with someone through so many things and over a good bit of time.

ok, i'm worn out...i quit. more later.

2002-05-29T21:26:00.000-05:00

sometimes i get into these weird moods when i really question what's going on in other people's heads, and how they see me. maybe i'm overreacting a bit...my best friend from college having a baby can do that, i guess. but it seems to me that entirely too many people think that my social life is somehow their business. in the last month, i can count at least five times when someone significantly older than me (read: my parents' generation) mentions some single guy they think i should go after, or that i would "make a good match for," or some such nonsense. if any remotely attractive or successful man anywhere from 22-35 is not wearing a ring, then i "should go meet him" or "go after him." i kinda feel like i'm whining, and maybe i am to an extent, but does anyone but me see that as an insult to me as a single person? it's like i'm somehow not "complete" because i'm almost 26 (read: rapidly approaching 30) and i'm not married, engaged, otherwise committed, or even dating someone. yikes. maybe i should just shut up now....

2002-05-28T22:40:00.000-05:00

one more day of school left, but that's not the exciting news for the day...CRYSTE AND KEITH HAD THEIR BABY! she was born tonight after about 4 hours of labor and according to dr. keith (yes, he really is a doctor) the little darling was pretty easy on cryste. apparantly, she only had to push for about 25 minutes! anyway, her name is melia, but they're undecided on a middle name as of yet. they've been playing with several options, and i'm sure they'll come up with something before they leave the hospital!

ok, i'm really tired after 2 softball games tonight, but i thought i'd go on and post this in case any ex-lipscomb folks were checking in and wondering about cryste. i'm a tad bit weirded out by the fact that my dearest friend from college is now a mother, but i'm also so incredibly excited for her and keith. many, many congratulations to my dear friends, and...HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELIA!!!!

2002-05-21T20:35:00.000-05:00

ok, now that i've figured out that this thing is still alive and kicking, i thought i might as well update...the job situation is...well, not good. i don't even think i'll apply for the same job. variety of reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that i really don't mesh well with the teacher i'm working with. i don't think she likes me, mainly because a. i don't have a teaching certificate, and b. i'm not too keen on being her little lackey. she's kinda a control freak...very territorial and not the most warm and happy person you'll ever meet. but she is a good teacher...i can't fault her for any of her classroom methods. it's just her personality...she's just not the easiest person to work with. the thing that really sucks is that i love all the other people at the school, and i want to work in this kind of school. almost all of the kids are underprivileged in some way. many of them are being raised by grandparents because their parents aren't around, others have parents that either do drugs, deal, or are involved in some type of prostitution. poverty is rampant, as are drugs and violence. but through all of that, the kids are still kids, and they need not only the education we provide, but the stable environment and the love as well. sure, there are more discipline problems, but i love these kids. they are precious little souls who need so much. i just pray i can stick around there and see them again next year.

as for everything else, well...i guess i'm just tired. cryste (and keith) should be welcoming their little angel into the world any day now. chelle and i are planning on going to san antonio to see them sometime around the end of june.

that's about it...maybe i'll post more when i'm in a better mood, or have had more sleep. das vidanya

2002-05-21T20:01:00.000-05:00

hello??? is this thing still here? couple of folks asked if i was still around because they couldn't get here...hmmm....

2002-05-14T17:18:00.000-05:00

9 days and counting...sometimes i think i'm going nuts. but i do love my job...

2002-05-13T15:36:00.000-05:00

ok, so it's been a while. don't really know why i haven't been around here in a couple of months, but thought it was high time i came back. the job is going good, but almost over for the summer, and i don't know if i'll be back or not. i'd like to come back, but since i'm finishing the year for someone who hasn't yet resigned, i don't know what the situation will be once the year is over.

went to nashville river stages a couple of weekends ago and saw some really cool shows...pete yorn, counting crows, john mayer, jonatha brooke, and ani difranco were the highlights. although i had been dying to see ani (and she was really good), i have to say my favorite show for the weekend was jonatha brooke. she just flat out rocks.

playing softball again...swingin' elvises have changed to the rebel alliance in honor of the new star wars movie coming out this week. we're still continuing the losing tradition, however, with a 1-4 record...the lone win coming by forfeit last thursday.

i am once again glad that i'm not like a lot of my friends...i didn't get married young, although i'm sure i could've if i'd wanted to. two marriages involving friends of mine are breaking up soon. it stinks for both of the couples, especially one of the girls, who has really gotten a raw deal...but i guess she kinda got herself into it. oh well...c'est la vie.

just wanted to drop by and let everyone know i still exist. hope y'all are doing well.

2002-03-14T23:40:00.000-06:00

my 'toppers just didn't show up tonight. ugly lost to stanford. oh well...i leave for florida in a few hours. if i can't sleep, i think i'll just get in the car and go. yeah, i'll be tired, but i can take a nap when i get to cryste's. anyway, i probably won't be around much after today. i'll be back in a week or so...probably either thursday or friday. have a good one!

2002-03-13T11:17:00.000-06:00

it's been an odd few days. i'm on spring break, which is nice. and i guess that, except for yesterday, it's been pretty good so far. yesterday was really weird, though. i went to nashville and had lunch with an old boss and a couple of other former co-workers. ramona (my old boss) was kinda like my surrogate mom for my last two years of college. we still talk occasionally, but i hadn't seen her in quite a while. so that was nice. after that, i had an appointment to get my hair cut/colored (more on that later). i got to the mall a little early, so i went wandering around to see if anyone i knew was working. i saw my friend trina at the clinique counter. when i sat down to talk to her, i noticed a disturbing look on her face. she told me that her cousin (and my friend/ex co-worker) wendy was killed in a car wreck saturday night. ok, that's two people i knew in a matter of 8 days. i won't tell any crazy stories about when wendy and i worked together...although there are many to tell. she was a sweet girl with a lot of problems. unfortunately, she died before working any of them out. ok,i can't really talk about that anymore...

as for the good parts of the day, i got to hang out with my friend holly, which was just great! (btw, holly, do you still find your way here every so often?) we were walking to get a coke, and ran into another old co-worker of mine. i hadn't seen shannon in probably 3 years! i knew she had gotten married, but i was surprised to see that she has a little 6 month old girl! so that was a good surprise!

as for the hair...it's wild and i love it! it's shorter than i've had it in quite a while, and the color rocks! love it!

i'm heading out to meet up with val in a few, so i better get going...y'all take care of yourselves and each other...i don't know if i can handle any more bad news...

2002-03-03T18:17:00.000-06:00

this afternoon, i was reminded of a time in my life that i would just as soon forget. i saw people today who had the same looks on their faces that my friends and i had 4 1/2 years ago. but this time it was a little different. when my friend chris died, he was 21 and we were both seniors in college. sara beth benson never made it that far. she died yesterday at the age of 17, after flipping her car on a country road within sight of her parents' home. i didn't know sara beth too well, but i've been around her several times over the past few years. she was a starting forward for the warren east lady raider basketball team, coached by my friend angie anderson. i was always impressed with the way sara beth played...unselfish, team-oriented, and always hard-nosed. but even more impressive was her off-court behavior. she was an honor student, church volunteer, and a dear friend to many. she was interested in going into ministry. things like this just aren't explainable. i went to the visitation at oakland baptist church this afternoon. oakland is a small rural community, and it seemed that everyone who lived there was at the church today. it took me more than an hour to get from the back door of the church into the sanctuary. all kinds of people were there....it was almost like a cross-section of the whole county was there. all of us looking for an explanation, for some kind of logic in this senseless tragedy. for me, consolation is found in the fact that sara beth was a faithful christian, and that she's gone to be with her Father. but i remember when chris died, and how hard it was for all of us to think in those terms. i just pray that sara beth's friends and family will find healing in the Lord. we love ya, #25.

2002-02-13T21:46:00.000-06:00

started the new job today, and so far i like it a lot. i'm exhausted...wednesdays are long. now i go from work, home for a few minutes, then to my night class, and from there to church. by the time i got home tonight, i was totally worn out. i'm actually contemplating going to bed here in the next few minutes.

but first, a few occurances to note from the last week or so...i went to nashville saturday night to see my friend southpaw jones play (and release his fabulous live CD!). actually, i only made it down for the last few songs, but i had a great time anyway. my good friends laurie and chris drove up from atlanta to see the show, and i went out with them (and our fabulous friend jason) after the show. jason is a great guy...we're so alike sometimes it's scary. we had this strange, immediate connection the first time we met, and i regret that we're no longer in the same city. (in fact, that's one of my only regrets about leaving nash-vegas) but hopefully we'll be able to get together more in the future.

starting to plan the spring break trips! yay! i'm driving down to ft. walton beach for the first part to hang out with my dear (and very pregnant) friend cryste. then i'll head up to wisconsin to chill with jodi...much fun! can't wait! (is it sad that i'm only one day into my job with this school, and i'm already looking forward to spring break?)

i'm off to bed...blessings to you all!

2002-02-05T16:33:00.000-06:00

I HAVE A JOB!!!! YIPPEEE!!!! i went to dishman-mcginnis(the school) today and spent the morning with mrs. connally's class, and was offered the job before i left! i'm going to fill out paperwork on thursday, and i'll get to start sometime next week. it was good to be able to get a feel for the class - schedule, kids, and the teacher - before starting. i am so thankful to God for this opportunity. i just told my mom that i had been thinking i was going to have to go back to retail or try to find something else, but i'd been waiting around to see if an aid job would pop up, and it did! yay! i've already called simpson elementary (the school i did most of my subbing for) and told them i got the job, but i'll have to call central office down there and get some of my paperwork moved up to bowling green. i might have to go to an orientation next wednesday, but i'm hoping to get out of that since i've already done something similar in franklin this year. soooo, i'll either start on monday or the following thursday! thanks to all of you who have been praying and encouraging me about this job. i'm very excited!

2002-02-01T19:39:00.000-06:00

i'm feeling very disconnected (and discombobulated, for that matter) today. perhaps it's because i'm a tad bit nervous about this job prospect. all the signs say i'll get it, but things aren't always as they appear.

2002-01-31T10:16:00.000-06:00

update! update! i may have a job! (and there was much rejoicing!) after going at what seemed like warp speed all day yesterday, i may be reaping the benefits. i subbed in franklin yesterday, then drove back up to BG to interview (again) at dishman-mcginnis elementary school for a kindergarten aid job. mrs. conley (the teacher) was really nice, and it looks good. fortunately, i didn't have to go through the whole "real interview" process again...mr. slate (the principal) told mrs. connally that he thought i did very well in my first interview, and the hiring decision was hers. so anyway, i should know on monday whether i have the job or not. but there's only one thing keeping me from getting it, and it looks like chances are slim to none that situation will occur. i'll update when i know more.

i am sooooo incredibly thankful to valerie for helping me out through this entire process. she has really been persistent in trying to get me hired at her school. i'll have to take her out to dinner or something if i get it.

that's it for now...more news as it occurs...

2002-01-27T20:38:00.000-06:00

so it's been more than a week since i've updated. not much exciting stuff going on in my life, i guess. last night, my buddy (and nashville musician) john sutton played a frat party at western, and i got a call asking if i'd like to come by and help out. john was by himself, so he needed help with merch and with the sound board. so i went (somewhat begrudgingly) to my first frat party at western. whoa. it was....interesting. don't get me wrong, it was great to see john play...and the looks he shot me when things got a little crazy - well, they were pretty priceless. but i couldn't help but think of the irony of the whole thing. just a short time ago (shorter than i want to admit), i was one of those party girls. the night kinda gave me flashbacks of the party days at cliff and alex's house, then at matt and brandon's as well. i wonder if all those people i saw last night are as sad as i was when i was doing all the same things they were doing. of course, they look happy, and they have a good time while the party's going on...but i wonder how they feel when the party's over. i remember how i used to feel then, and it wasn't very pretty.

in other news, i talked to keith and cryste this week! cryste had an ultrasound on wednesday, and they are having a girl! baby berry appears to be very healthy and developing normally so far. cryste still feels great...i haven't known anyone who has felt as good pregnant as she does. i'm hoping to get down there for a visit before spring break, but i might have to wait until then.

ok, must get out of here and start on some homework...yuck. hope everyone had a great weekend!

2002-01-19T08:25:00.000-06:00

CURSES!!!!!! what the heck?!? i am going to hurt matt p. (the kid from my youth group). i got up at 5:50am, left my house at 6:55, drove all the way out to WEHS in the sleet and snow only to discover that there was not a SOUL at the school...apparantly they postponed the tournament because of weather, and the little stinker didn't call to tell me! grrrrr....sometimes the south frustrates me to no end! nobody knows how to handle winter weather down here! oh well....guess i can clean my house today.

2002-01-18T23:02:00.000-06:00

well, not much has gone on this week...started school...so i guess that's something exciting that's happened recently. i know a few people in my classes, which is good, and they shouldn't be too hard, which is even better!

even though i just started classes monday, i'm already planning spring break! ; ) looks like i'll be spending half the week with cryste in florida and the other half with jodi in wisconsin. not sure which half will be spent where, but that's how it's shaping up so far. yes, i know it's a little bit nutty to go from florida to wisconsin in one week, but i'm crazy like that! plus, it's about the only opportunity i'll have to hang out with jodi until summer, and keith will be deployed then, leaving poor pregnant cryste by herself! so when you look at it that way, it doesn't seem quite as crazy...or maybe it does, who knows!

i'm judging a forensics tournament tomorrow at warren east high school...should be a lot of fun! i loved doing all that stuff in high school (and my freshman year at lipscomb), and i'm glad some of the kids at church have pulled me back into it. it's one of those small things that has helped me feel that i'm finding my place in bowling green. no, it's not my ideal home, and i probably won't stay here for very long after i graduate. but it's nice to be able to find a little niche here, even though i may not be staying forever.

haven't heard anything really new on my youth group girl. i do know that she's not the only one in the youth group involved in drugs, and that hurts me soooo much. it's not like i haven't made bad decisions, because i certainly have. it's just that they're making these decisions at 15, 16, or 17, whereas i made them in my 20s. sure doesn't excuse my actions, but i was able to get out of it and leave behind most of the bad influences without many problems. i'm not sure these kids are mature enough to do that yet. oh well, time will tell. i'm praying for them all.

better get to bed...WEHS is about 30 minutes away from my house, and i have to be there at 7:30am. yikes! the alarm will be a verrrrryyyyyy rude awakening at 5:45! : (

2002-01-13T01:02:00.000-06:00

sad news...found out one of my youth group girls has been in drug rehab recently. bless her sweet heart...she can't be more than 16. a while back, i told my mom that there were a few kids in the youth group that really scared me...like i could just look at them and know that they were getting into some rough stuff. this girl - i'll call her grace - is the one who's always scared me the most. i got to know her a couple of years ago at church camp. she was kinda hard to handle...but i hoped that having me and BJ as counselors woudl help that. we've both been around the bend a couple of times and lived to tell about it. i've always been willing to share my experiences with these girls, hoping that my stories will either discourage them from making the same choices i did, or help them recover if they've already made those same choices. i feel like i've really failed grace. i knew that something was wrong, but couldn't bring myself to say anything to her or her family. i felt that SOMETHING was going on, i just wasn't quite sure what. then today i found out that grace almost OD'd...after she recovered (physically, at least) from that, her parents put her in rehab. i hope this wakes her up...i pray that she's hit rock bottom now and she'll realize that this kind of road only leads to destruction. oh Father, please be with her....

2002-01-11T16:12:00.000-06:00

ok, yay me! i think this comment system is up and running...and many thanks to fellow swimmer steve for providing the info about this system. many thanks to rate your music as well...go visit them!

not much going on in my little corner of the world. still looking for a full-time job. getting desperate...considered going back to retail today. but it would be in a management capacity, so it might be better...who knows? i'll figure it out one of these days.

val and matt are "taking a break." it's very odd. they had a talk last night after the game, but i haven't heard the results yet. oh well...

i must go pay bills now so that i can continue to live here with heat, electricity, phone, and cable service. not that i wasn't already feeling terribly poor....

2002-01-11T16:03:00.000-06:00

trying to add a comment system...please hold!

2002-01-09T16:32:00.000-06:00

well, still no job for me. the interview went really well, but they went with a guy who has been subbing at dishman all year. oh well...valerie's friend jessica was in the interview, and she went to val's room after they made the decision and told her, "it went down to alex and laura, and i didn't vote for him!" i thought that was pretty sweet. val's almost as sad as i am! mr. slate - the principal - did tell valerie that if another job opens at dishman soon, he'll offer it to me. so that's good, i guess. soooo...i'm still scheduled to sub in franklin this semester.

that's about it for now...

2002-01-08T22:44:00.000-06:00

well, i guess it's past time for an update. i have a job interview tomorrow with dishman-mcginnis elementary school. there are two jobs open that i'm interested in...one as an instructional aid with a kindergarten class, and one as a title I aid for a couple of 2nd grade classes. the interview is tomorrow at 11:30am, so pray for me if anyone reads this before then!

i bought a drum! it's a doumbek, and i totally love it. i haven't gotten to play very much, but i bang on it every once in a while.

in other news...i'm going to nash-vegas tomorrow night for kelly's birthday. not sure how i feel about that. i love kelly...i really do. but sometimes she exhausts me. lately i feel on edge when i'm around her, and i know that's probably not a good thing.

not much else exciting is going on around here...i'll update when i know more about the job situation.

2002-01-02T23:35:00.000-06:00

will i regret this down the road? is my brain just playing tricks on me? (this is not about the drum, by the way!) ; )

2002-01-02T10:04:00.000-06:00

happy new year! hope everyone's was safe and fun. i had an absolute blast, and really didn't do much of anything. went over to mom and dad's for dinner, and the wiley's came over with lydia and her little baby carter. jon (lydia's husband) had to work, so she was hanging out with her parents. carter is a 5-week old little angel! we had so much fun with her. valerie came over around 11, and all of us rang in the new year together. we told a million stories and laughed a ton! i was home by 12:45 and in bed by 2am.

i have to say that this new year was tons better than last year. jodi and i were talking about that last night. i can't believe how sad i was last year. there was no joy at all in my life. thank you, God, that i am no longer in that awful situation!

went to birmingham with the kids from church for youth in action last week. didn't get much sleep, but had a lot of fun! valerie went, too, and we had some really good discussions about stuff. mostly about her brother clint and how concerned she is about him, but we hit some other stuff, too. we went to a class on saturday that was really good. it was an all-girl class, taught by a woman, on sexual purity. good stuff. a couple of our girls went, and a couple more were asking us questions later in the day. anna b. and i are going to sit down and have a chat about some stuff soon. they're good kids...they really are...but some of them scare me. i can see them making conscious and sub-conscious decisions that i know aren't good for them. i just hope none of them make as many bad decisions as valerie and i did.

i'm outta here...i had thought about going to shop for a drum today, but i'm feeling kinda weird. i think i'm getting sick...yuck. (or as joel would say, "grossy gross!") ; ) maybe i'll just lay on the couch under a blanket for a while. yeah, that sounds good...

2001-12-23T14:07:00.000-06:00

i love christmas. i really do. there's a part of the holiday season that i always seem to overlook, but i'm realizing this year how much i really do enjoy it. i am so blessed to have such wonderful friends. i am thankful for all of them, old and new. i have made many wonderful new friends this year, and i love them all dearly...jodi, valerie, jon and joel, heather...they are all such beautiful blessings from God in my life. then there are all the old friends, most of whom i don't get to see very often. last night, i spent hours talking with cryste and rachelle (well, and brent and keith, too!). it brought back so many memories of old times with the two of them. those girls have been solid rocks in my life - always there and never changing. this morning, laura lee was at church. we've known each other since we were kids, and ended up going to both high school and college together. we email now and then, but i hadn't seen her since we graduated 2 1/2 years ago. we talked about times past and how much things have changed for us. i loved every minute of it.

while i love making new friends and rekindling old friendships, i also remember those people with whom i'm no longer friends. some i don't miss all that much, but others i miss tremendously. i wonder what's going on with them...if they're safe, warm, and happy. i wonder what emotions are stirred in them during these holidays. i sometimes wish i could go back and change the circumstances that caused us to no longer be friends. but most of all, i wish them joy and God's peace during these uncertain times.

wow...i'm getting really sentimental...maybe i should just go take a nap.

2001-12-20T10:48:00.000-06:00

as always, my life is pretty busy, but i still shouldn't have gone 10 days without an update!

jodi has been here (well, here and nashville) since last friday, and she's leaving tomorrow. we've had a really good time! monday night we went to writer's night at 12th and porter. not everything was my taste, but there were a couple of really good acts, including the waitress and her boyfriend/husband. she had a very ella fitzgerald-swing-1940s voice...i loved it! tuesday morning we got up early and drove to georgia to hang out with jon and joel. coooooll. (hehehehe) it was somewhat of a whirlwind trip, but it was a blast. we spent a lot of time just hanging out and banging on our respective instruments. i didn't bring my guitar, but had some fun with a couple of jon's doumbeks! we also did a little mullet hunting and a lot of dylan quoting...which of course drove jodi nuts! it was a really good time...just what i needed right before the holidays.

after dropping jodi off at a wedding on saturday, i got to spend some time with laurie. she and chris were in town to pick up his brother, but his flight didn't arrive until saturday night. so anyway, we got to spend some good quality time together. man, i really miss that girl! she gave me the newest edition of master mellow, and it is totally awesome. i've already become addicted to the soul miner's daughter song on there, and all the other stuff is really good, too.

i have to get out of here now...i'm not quite through christmas shopping, so i'm about to head out and brave the mall. yikes!

2001-12-10T23:28:00.000-06:00

i'm in the midst of finals...man, i forgot how much i hate finals week. blech...grrrr...ugh...etc

i wrote an "angry matt" song tonight. well, my guitar is at mom and dad's, so it doesn't have music. i purposely left my guitar over there so i wouldn't play when i should be studying or doing research. now i kinda wish i had it...i even have some music in my head for this song! oh well, maybe jodi can help me when she gets here.

i've really been doing pretty well lately, which makes saturday night even harder. i took a step back...but i realize it and i think i've tortured myself sufficiently. i'm trying to not beat myself up when i do stupid stuff. i've always been one to do that, but i know it doesn't really get me anywhere.

i have a lot of other stuff in my head, but i just realized that i'm pretty incapable of holding a thought for very long right now...i'm sooooo ADD sometimes. oh well, back to finals!

2001-12-06T20:13:00.000-06:00

sometimes i feel that this thing (my blog) is just one of those personal outlet things that i do because i need to vent. i write because i like it, and because i gotta get all this junk out somewhere. i don't really even consider that people actually read my ramblings, especially people from outside my little community of internet friends. but yesterday, i got an email from holly, a good friend of mine from the days of lipscomb and ukraine. bless her heart, she really had no idea of all the junk that's gone on in my life for the past year or so. when she stumbled on my website while searching for the lipscomb underground, i guess she was pretty surprised. i kinda feel bad that a lot of my old buddies would feel the same surprise if they wandered over here and read what's been in my head for the past few months. but i don't know...i guess it was just hard to let people in on things that were so hard for me to accept myself. it was really good to hear from holly, and even better to read her affirming words. one of these days we'll sit down over coffee and i'll tell her all this stuff. ; )

i started finals yesterday...blech. but i'll finish next week, and a week from tomorrow, jodi will be here! yay!

2001-12-04T23:01:00.000-06:00

wow! two posts in one day??? never! well, i had to get back on here, because i talked to cryste tonight, and she and keith are going to have a baby! yippee!!!! it was sooo funny how she told me...she got me pretty good. we had been playing phone tag for a few days, and she finally caught me tonight. when we first started talking, she said, "hey, guess what? we bought a car!" well, i knew they had been car shopping for a while, so that wasn't a real surprise. but then i walked right into it...i said, "well, that's great! but when you said 'guess what?' i was kinda hoping you'd tell me you were pregnant!" to which she responded, "well, i can tell you that, too, if you want!" i about freaked out! at first, i didn't believe her! but it's true! she's about 15 weeks along, and they are due in may. wow...cryste was my first close friend to get married, and now they're having a baby. it's crazy, but i love it.

2001-12-04T09:46:00.000-06:00

here's something i wrote not long ago...it doesn't have music yet, but i hope it will soon.

"Find Me Here"

v1a thoughts race through my mind
fly around and make me feel
like i can't stand another day
of living in this guilt and drowning fear

v1b i lift my voice to you
but can you even hear?
the words don't come out right
so i just pray this same prayer...

c. find me here
stumbling through the darkness and the rain
find me here
dry my tears and take away my pain

v2a i've been gone so long
traveled so far away from You
gave my heart and my soul
to everything and everyone but You

v2b Lord, my heart is tired
worn out from all these trials
but how can i come back
when i've hurt You and made You cry?

repeat c.

b. i want to see Your face again
i long to hear Your voice
but sometimes i don't know quite how
i can reclaim Your joy

so find me here
stumbling through the darkness and the rain
please find me here
dry my tears and take away my pain

oh Lord, please find me here

copyright 2001 by LJ

that's about it...i'm at work, so i can't stick around for long. hope everyone is doing well.

2001-11-27T15:01:00.000-06:00

guess i should update this thingie, huh?

some days i feel i really am going nuts. school stuff is bogging me down, matt keeps calling, my grandfather's been really sick, plus the thousand and one crazy thoughts that fly through my head every day...all this can really get to me at times. not that things are really bad for me right now. i had a decent day yesterday, despite the fact that mondays are pretty hellacious for me. i spent quite a long time on the phone with my dear sweet friend laurie. we've been friends since our first week at lipscomb, more than 7 years ago. we've fought through some pretty horrible times, laughed together through some good ones, and despite our occasional differences, we're still close. actually, we've never had more than any minor differences...amazingly enough, i really can't remember ever being mad at laurie! she got married in may to a wonderful man named chris, and they live just outside atlanta. last night when we were talking, we played the "whatever happened to..." game. how funny! we reminisced about the good times, without even a mention of the bad ones. but of all the great times we've had, i'll always hold in my memory the many "balcony talks" in kiev in july 99. with the x-files car just over the ledge and the duct tape ashtray at our sides, there was no problem we couldn't solve! ich liebe meine mutti! (ok, so i don't really speak german, and laurie's not my mother...ahhh...it's a long story!)

talking with jacqueline is going well. we're sorting through the garbage and trying to make sense of it all. it's hard, but i know that i have to go through some more rough spots in order to heal.

more good news...jodi is coming to nashville in less than three weeks! yippee! she'll spend a couple days here in BG, and i got us tickets to the packers/titans game, so we'll have a ton of fun! yay jodi! ; )

i'm growing stronger day by day...i have wonderful friends who are helping tremendously, and some of them don't even know it! so here's a big thanks to jodi, valerie, laurie, christi, bonnie, ashley, and jon...you guys rock!!

2001-11-13T10:47:00.000-06:00

yeah...it's been a while. guess things are still pretty crazy in my life.

ok, so i've struggled with depression off and on for the past couple of years. i was doing pretty good until i got into a relationship with matt, and then everything went downhill again. the details aren't important right now...let's just say that i made a lot of really bad choices, and now i'm dealing with their repurcussions. a couple of weeks ago, i decided that i've hit a wall...i don't know exactly where to turn from here. i've improved since moving back to BG, but lately, things have not gotten any better...i've even taken a few steps back. so yesterday i sucked it up, swallowed my pride, and went to talk to a counselor for the first time. i've known jacqueline since i was a kid, so i thought i would feel more comfortable with her than anyone else. it wasn't easy to sit there and tell her the junk that's in my past and in my head, but i did it. after hearing what i had to say (which actually wasn't even CLOSE to everything), she told me that i'm carrying around a big bag of garbage. i know that it stinks, and i think everyone else around me can smell it, too. it's weighting me down, and i want so bad to get rid of it. so that's what we're going to work on...we're taking it piece by piece, examining it and figuring out what i can do about it. this is by no means easy, but it's what i have to do if i want to move forward.

i DO feel better today...i sat there in front of jacqueline and told her some of the stuff i've done, and she didn't bat an eye. i was so scared before i went in there...and i still am, but it's not quite as bad now.

2001-11-05T17:58:00.000-06:00

back from wisconsin...wish i was still there! i'm running late to my night class, but i really don't care right now...we never start on time, anyway.

i had such an AWESOME time in green bay! it was exactly what i needed at exactly the right time. God is amazing and He provides so well for me. hanging out with jodi was of course soooo much fun! i also really enjoyed meeting and hanging out with her roommates. terry and i bonded over coffee friday afternoon at barnes and noble...i like her a lot. her strength is pretty amazing...she's lost both of her parents while in college, and i think they both passed away in the same year. wow..i am so blessed. lea ann and tricia were lots of fun, too, but i got to spend more time with terry than the others. well, except for jodi, of course. we really didn't do anything big...just hung out, watched movies, and ran around green bay. it was quite relaxing...and i definitely needed to relax a little after the past few weeks.

guess i better head to class...more later.

2001-10-30T20:18:00.000-06:00

well, this could be the last time i get on here before the big trip. i'm leaving tomorrow night, staying in louisville overnight, then flying out thursday morning. yay!

i started teaching my cute little 7th grade reading class at BGJHS today. it went really well...they participated in the discussion MUCH more than i expected. it was funny...my hands were shaking before i started, but once i got going, i was totally fine. the words just came out...guess that should tell me something, shouldn't it? some days i may doubt it, but i know that God made me to teach.

not much else to say today...val is doing better, but it's still hard. we talked for quite a while last night. her brother isn't handling things very well at all...but then he doesn't have the support system that she does. all us girls at church would do anything at all for valerie, and then there's matt (her matt, not my ex-matt - different one) and his family. her bro just doesn't have that...man, i wish he would come back to church.

that's about it...i need to work on tomorrow's lesson plans and do some laundry so i can start packing. yippee!!!! i can't wait to get up there and hang out with jodi!!!

2001-10-29T01:35:00.000-06:00

why is it that i have been updating this thing at completely ridiculous hours lately? grr....

ok, so it's time for an update. i'm heading to green bay to see jodi on thursday, and i can't explain how excited i am!! i have been needing a vacation for a good while now (well, ever since my last one), and i can't wait to see jodi! we have spent an absolutely insane amount of time on the phone, email, and IM lately. it helps to talk with her...more than anyone else, jodi knows a lot of what it's like to be inside my head. we fight many of the same demons, and our personalities are very similar, too. it's comforting to know that someone else is going through a lot of what i feel every day.

on the home front...well, there's good news and bad. the good is that i feel like i'm really starting to get in a groove in BG. tonight i went out to dinner at puerto vallarta (local mexican place) with a bunch of people from church. bethany and lisa kinda had to twist my arm to get me to go, but once i was there, i had a really good time. i'm becoming more comfortable with these people...but it's still hard sometimes. none of them really know the battles i face every day, and all the reasons i'm back up here. some of them may never know. i've been thinking a lot these days about talking to jacqueline about finding a counselor. greg is great...but i just don't think i could talk to a man. a lot of my problems stem from my relationship with matt, and i'm not sure i could open up about that stuff with greg. i was doing okay for a while on my own, but i've hit a wall. i can't seem to get any better. forgiving myself is really tough. i still deal with a lot of guilt and regret, and then there's the times that certain sins revisit me. that's no fun either. i AM getting better, but i feel that it's time i asked for some help. dangit, i'm soooo freakin' independent...this is going to be tough.

ok, so getting closer to people in BG is a good thing...but one of my best friends up here is dealing with some pretty rough stuff right now. i don't know all the details, and i won't speculate. but valerie's mom has left hendersonville (and valerie's father, apparantly) and is staying up here at val and laurie's house. i just found all this out today...valerie's not handling it too well. yikes.

i'm thinking more and more about talking to mom and dad about all the junk i've gone through. i'm sure they know some of it, but i seriously doubt they've picked up on the really rough stuff. that will be REALLY hard...i don't know if i can look them in the eyes and admit all the ugly stuff in my past. but if i really want to move on and heal (and i do), i need to tie up some loose ends. i've already started that process...i emailed jeannie last week and apologized to her for all the junk that went on our last year at lipscomb. matt is getting me polly and chris' address so i can do the same with them.

as for matt...it's weird. i was telling jodi today that it kinda feels like i'm getting to know him all over again. we're friends, but i'm still holding back...i have to in order to protect myself.

guess i should get some sleep...it's going to be a busy week.

2001-10-21T01:31:00.000-05:00

once again, here it is past 1am, and i can't sleep. sometimes my head feels so loaded down...yeah, i'm going on vacation in less than two weeks, but that doesn't mean that satan isn't getting into my head right now. i know that i'm getting better - i'm growing spiritually more than i have in years. but i still get down sometimes. tonight's not really a bad night, it's just that things are circling around in my head and i can't quite get them to stop for long enough to go to sleep. yuck.

2001-10-20T20:43:00.000-05:00

well, i went to the doctor yesterday, and things aren't too bad. i have a slight tear of the medial whatever muscle in my left calf, plus a severe strain. the doc said that if i had torn it any more than i did, i would probably have to have it surgically repaired...luckily, that's not the case. but, it'll probably take several weeks to fully heal. but i have drugs! they're not the best i've ever had...but they do make me feel kinda tingly...heehee. ; )

my plans are set...i am taking a vacation! yipee!!! i'm going to see jodi the first weekend in november, and i am so pumped! yeah, i still have a lot to do these next couple of weeks, and i'm having a lot of trouble getting around on crutches, but i can see the light now.

valerie called me thursday afternoon (before the infamous injury) to let me know about a job opportunity. the instructional aide that works with her class and another 3rd grade class is leaving after christmas, and i'm going to apply for the job! this would really be good for me...full time with benefits, and i could stay in school and take night classes. i'm crossing my fingers and praying hard core about this one!

2001-10-18T22:40:00.000-05:00

ok, so saying the week couldn't get much worse was pretty dumb on my part! i subbed today, and that was good, but then came....the softball game(s). my first official injury as a swingin' elvis player. in tuesday night's first game, i pulled a muscle in my left calf running the (very muddy) bases. it was sore, but nothing i couldn't handle. i stretched really good before tonight's game, and while it was a little tender, i was feeling okay. but...then came the 5th inning. i was fielding a grounder at first, when i felt a pop in my calf. i tagged the base to get the out, then collapsed. didn't play the rest of the night, and now i can't even walk. i scoot around pretty effectively, though! ; ) i'm probably going to go to the doctor tomorrow, especially if it's not feeling better. i tried so hard to be tough tonight and hold back, but to be quite honest, this is the worst pain i've ever endured. i fear that i've torn a calf muscle. i not only felt the pop, but i *heard* it, too. that can't be good.

i'll update everyone on my condition when i know more...until then, you can all get a good laugh (jodi) at the mental picture of me crawling around my apartment. yeah, i crawl...it's the most effective way to get around....i do whatever i can!

i'm off to take a bath and down the strongest painkillers i can find before crawling to bed. yuck.

2001-10-17T12:54:00.000-05:00

i am currently in the middle of the longest week known to man. i had class during the day on monday, then had to drive to my night class. that ran late, so i didn't get home until almost 10:30. yesterday, i was up by 5:30, dealt with a classroom full of rambunctious 3rd graders all day, flew back up to BG for my 4:00 class, got out of that, went home and changed clothes, flew to lampkin and played 2 softball games, then crawled home to my never-ending pile of homework. today i have a presentation due in my 2:30 class...and i just finished the project about 10 minutes ago. our instructor encouraged us to run the power point part of our thingie on the classroom computer prior to class time, just to make sure everything runs okay. so i went up there a few minutes ago, and of course the room is locked. lovely. so here i am...trying to decide what to do to keep myself awake and (somewhat) alert for another couple of hours. lots of fun.

the rest of the week isn't any worse, but i guess it isn't much better either...i sub again tomorrow (another group of rowdy 3rd graders), then i have to attend a blood-borne pathogens training seminar on friday at central office. if i can make it through this week in one piece, i think i should get SOME kind of credit...maybe they could just go ahead and give me my master's...yeah, that sounds good...whatever.

2001-10-12T16:45:00.000-05:00

ok, i've decided i need a vacation. soooo...no matter how many extra jobs i have to take to pay this off, i've decided i'm going to go to chicago to see page and then up to green bay to see jodi. i'm going to pull out ye ole credit card and get my tail on up there. i'm really excited...i never get to see page and gregg, and i still feel guilty about missing their wedding. (even though i think i have a good excuse...i was kinda in kiev at the time) plus, i can't wait to (finally) get to see jodi! going to wisconsin will also complete my mission of visiting 25 states by the time i'm 25. so what if i turned 25 in june...it'll still be in the year that i turned 25! jodi was pretty excited when i emailed her and told her that i'm trying to work this out! i haven't heard back from page yet, so i'm not sure when this trip will take place. it's looking like either the first or second weekend in november, though.

whoo hoo!

2001-10-07T01:30:00.000-05:00

so here i am on another sleepless night. for those of you who don't know, i am an insomniac. for the most part, i sleep fairly well, but i go through little phases every so often when i just don't sleep. it's lots of fun. tonight is one of those nights when i just can't seem to even get tired, much less fall asleep. so here i am, wasting time on the computer.

this week seemed so long...and i'm supposed to be on fall break! well, i kinda had a fall break. western had thursday and friday off, but i only have class mon-wed. but i'm on fall break from work right now, so i guess that counts. wednesday i took a little break of sorts. i skipped class to work on missions fair stuff, then drove to nashville to work with christi before the fair started at 8:30. we had several people show interest in kiev, and we're planning an informational meeting for sometime in the next few weeks. i still can't even begin to describe how happy i am that christi said yes. we were sitting at our little table in the student center at lipscomb - it was about halfway through missions fair - when christi looked at me with this very puzzled expression and said, "do you realize that WE are actually in charge???" we laughed pretty good about that! ; )

thursday night, the swingin' elvises had our first official win!!! (we had won a game earlier this season by forfeit) it was pretty exciting! but then we came back down to reality in the second game of our doubleheader, losing 21-0. hehe...we may win a game, but we still suck.

i am growing more and more comfortable in bowling green. heather and i talked a lot during and after the games on thursday, and i stayed at the park for more than an hour after everyone else had left talking to kerry. before i came back, all i knew about him was that he and his wife had gone through lots of problems - in large part because of our ex-campus minister...but that's not a story i want to get into. these past few months, i have gained a great appreciation for kerry and lisa (his wife), too. God is so faithful to me -- even when i am not so faithful to Him. He has brought so many people into my life in these past few months -- people who may not be traveling the exact same road that i'm on, but understand the potholes that i've encountered. the way He is providing for me is awe-inspiring...and i need to remember that on the not-so-good days.

growing comfortable here doesn't diminish the fact that i miss nashville. i have very mixed feelings about that place. jodi and i often talk about how we miss being there. every time i'm down there, i feel so energized...and it always takes me a day or so to recover from the resulting depression when i leave to come back to BG. i miss people, and i miss the freedom and opportunity of a city that size. however, i'm not sure that i'll ever live there again. if i do, it will be a few years down the road. while i do miss nashville, it really wore me down. i know a lot of that was due to my relationship with matt, and everything that happened there. but i don't think that was all of it...i was weak and weary before we started dating - otherwise i probably wouldn't have even started that relationship. when i look back on the person i was when i was living there, i don't like what i see. sure, i miss all the fun times, but so much easier to see are all the mistakes i made, and the resulting consequences. i don't want to be that person again, and i guess i'm afraid that moving back to nashville will put me back on that path. maybe i'm wrong...maybe when i'm out of grad school, i'll be stronger and nashville will affect me in a different way. right now, though, i just can't see living there anytime in the near future.

my back and eyes are hurting from being in this chair staring at the computer for too long. maybe i'll be able to get some sleep soon.

2001-10-02T23:32:00.000-05:00

CHRISTI IS GOING TO KIEV!!!!!!! i am so pumped! i have an assistant leader! we have missions fair at lipscomb tomorrow night, so i figured she'd let me know then, but i just got off the phone with her, and she said she's going!! yipee!!!! i know that God is working through both of us already, and i am so excited about what He will do through - and with - us in the coming months.

more later!

2001-09-30T18:22:00.000-05:00

friday night, i confronted matt. at first, i couldn't believe i was strong enough to actually do it. but then i realized that i wasn't strong enough - but i was able to do it because i gave it to God. so anyway, we talked for a long time...i didn't get home until almost 3 am. i gave him the letter, and sat in front of him while he read it. he agreed with all my conditions, and he answered all my questions. there are still a few things i doubt him on, but i'm not sure i will ever have full trust in him again. i'd like to think that i will, but i don't have any delusions about this relationship. we may grow to be friends again...but we may not. the important thing is that we are both on the road to recovery, and we can admit our mistakes...to ourselves as much as to each other.

today, i've really struggled with my attitude, and with negativity. in church this morning, i got frustrated about a thousand little things, then started crying when i realized that my attitude was preventing me from worshiping God. i walked out of service...i don't like to cry in front of people. why can't i look at the wonderful blessings that God has given me, instead of all the little things that bother and annoy me? it seems that as soon as i take a big step forward (like friday with matt), i take a small step back. but at least it's not the other way around. one positive thing i'm experiencing right now is an incredible appreciation for the providence of God. it is truly amazing to me how He is constantly working in our lives. just as i was feeling very alone in my struggles, He brought jodi into my life. when i felt that i didn't have any good friends in bowling green, He gave me valerie. these two girls have really blessed my life over the past few weeks. it's good to be able to talk to people who have gone through or are going through similar situations. valerie has been through a lot of what i have, and jodi and i are trying to walk this road of recovery together. what a blessing.

on the downside of things, i'm terribly broke...and too proud to admit it to my parents. i have enough money (barely) to pay my rent, but after that, i'm in big trouble. yikes.

i'm outta here...i've had a headache all day. the couch is calling me.

2001-09-25T22:46:00.000-05:00

he's back...the man who almost destroyed my life, who led me down a path of self-destruction and hatred. he claims he's changed, that he's started a new life and wants me to be a part of it. part of me wants to believe him, and to welcome him back into my life. but then there's that part of me that remembers how bad he hurt me, all the lies, all the million and one times he (either directly or indirectly) drove me to alcohol and drugs. i HAVE started a new life...but i don't know that he has, and with his track record, i don't trust him as far as i can kick him. considering he's almost a foot taller than me and has a good 70 pounds on me, that's not too far.

God, what am i supposed to do now?

2001-09-25T10:47:00.000-05:00

crazy times...but we'll all get through them okay. good music and good friends are keeping me going these days.

2001-09-23T22:48:00.000-05:00

these past few weeks have really worn me out, and i need recharging. the tragedies in our nation, getting a nasty cold, four softball games, work, school, kiev planning...i realized last night that i've been running on pure adrenaline and i'm quickly running out. i'm thinking about going to florida to see cryste for a couple of days. franklin's school system is on fall break for two weeks starting a week from monday, so i won't be working after this friday. i'm only in class monday thru wednesday, so i could pull off a little visit. i know i need to get out of here, it's just a matter of where i'm going to go and what i'm going to do.

still haven't heard anything from christi about the assistant leader position. i offered it to her last week, and thought she would get back to me over the weekend. her sister came home this weekend, so i'm sure she went up to hendersonville, so maybe she was talking to her family and i'll hear something soon. i (selfishly) pray that she accepts. i know i need someone who can keep my head on straight and provide good spiritual leadership, and i know christi is more than capable of both.

i have so much to do this week. looks like things aren't going to slow down for a little while. man, i really need to get out of here.

"Well, this night just feels outdated
It's a tired reminder of the bad
whe you held on to what you hated
and you hated what you had "

2001-09-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

well, the swingin' elvises almost had a big win last night, but we blew it late in the game. i didn't get there until the bottom of the 3rd inning. i ran to the dugout in my socks, with mike yelling "get your shoes on, get out in the field! you're playing first!" i barely even had my shoes on when the next pitch was made, but i was out there. never quite got into a good groove at the plate, but had a pretty good field game. i've promised my team that if we win a game (except by forfeit, which we've already done), i'll bring my guitar and play an elvis song. since we played so well last night, i learned how to play "heartbreak hotel" this morning. i'm sure if we ever win a game, they'll all get a big kick out of me and my guitar.

i'm really overwhelmed now by this whole kiev thing. i need an assistant leader - bad. i need someone who can be a good spiritual leader and keep my head on straight when i'm about to pull my hair out. now is when i'm really missing the leadership of holly, jess, and kristen, and the common sense of laurie and christi. i'm praying that God will provide me with whomever He wants to be with me in kiev...not just an assistant leader, but teammates as well. i've had a few inquiries about potential team members, which is good, but i'm rather concerned about one. it's someone i know, but i'm not too confident about their ability to survive (mentally/emotionally) a month in kiev. oh well, God will take care of it!

i'm at school right now, and class just ended, so i'm heading home. perhaps i'll return later for more kiev stuff. i'm out!

2001-09-17T09:56:00.000-05:00

sometimes i feel that i might be too sensitive. this past week, i got offended by some comments people were making about the events going on in our nation. there seem to be a lot of people - even christians - who are arguing and fighting about what should be done and what our response as christians should be. discussion is good, even cathartic at times like this, but i really took note at the tones and words used between people who i think are friends. this is kinda hard to explain without throwing in all the nasty details, but i think it's fairly clear. i don't see the fun in arguing for the sake of arguing, especially at a time like this. yes, it's good to discuss your stance on issues, and it's good to strongly defend how you feel. but it seems to me that a lot of people enjoy making others mad, and i don't like that. i have friends who have been vastly affected by last week's tragedy. kelly is heading to new jersey this week to be with some of her friends - people who are missing loved ones. cryste called yesterday, and keith was called out on friday. he's gone, and she doesn't know where (he can't tell her). when i have friends who are experiencing things like this, i don't appreciate it when others are using inflammatory words against each other, and saying things just to rile someone else up. i know that i probably overreacted with my response to the whole issue, but it just didn't sit well with me. this is a time when we should be forgetting our differences, and embracing the common cause of patriotism, looking to God for guidance, and praying for our leaders. i'm not saying we should always be serious...cryste and i had some good laughs yesterday when we thought about what would happen if ronnie were called into active duty...he's such a character! i'm just saying that we should have respect for the nation's situation, and the situations of the people directly affected.

yikes, i didn't realize i had that much to say on the issue. it's not that i can't handle these arguements, or people with whom i disagree. it's just that at a time like this, i don't think it's very wise to deliberately push someone's buttons, just to see what kind of response you get. you can debate an issue without doing that.

2001-09-11T23:56:00.000-05:00

a few comments before i try to get some rest...

words simply fail today...there's no way to describe what i'm feeling. i am praying for our country. i am praying for keith and cryste berry, courtney bennett, jim and tom langwell, david white, ronnie henderson, eddie gillon, and everyone else i know with military connections.

i have faith that God will prevail over this evil...and that He will be faithful to those who are faithful to Him..in life and in death.

i thank God for giving me people like jodi and valarie. i've known valarie for four years, but never connected with her like i did tonight. she's an incredible girl, and i thank God for bringing us together. and as for jodi...well, we've never actually met, except through email and IMs, but i already appreciate her a ton! God is showing me today that, despite this tragedy, He is still here, and still working in my life.

May God be with us all in our time of need.

2001-09-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

God bless America...

2001-09-10T23:12:00.000-05:00

i feel kinda bad about my earlier comments regarding matt. i have a big problem with holding grudges and animosity. yes, matt is a jerk. yes, he is paying for his crimes right now. but when all the dust settles, i still have to remember that we were friends long before we started dating, and i liked the person he used to be. he treated me pretty poorly, and i've had a rough time dealing with that...mainly because of his constant lies. he's lied about so many things for so long that it's almost as if he believes his own lies. if he would just own up to me about all the junk he put me through, and tell the truth, i think i could feel a lot better. matt does have incredible potential. he's smart, good-looking, funny, and can be pretty nice sometimes. but the person i met in my last year at lipscomb is not the person that i started dating about a year ago. i wish i knew everything that happened to him to get him to this point. i wish i could relive that night in february when he was crying in the car after talking to michael for so long...i didn't see everything that was going on in his head, and i feel that i should have been more perceptive to why he was hurting so much. there are so many things that i would like to say to him, but i'm afraid they would just bounce right off, or that he wouldn't talk back to me truthfully. i wish i could be around to see him transform back into the person he was when we first met. but he hurt me and lied to me too many times, and i don't think i have the emotional strength to go through it any longer. maybe being in jail - even for such a short period of time - will be good for him. i hope and pray that it is.

2001-09-10T13:33:00.000-05:00

i am in such a stinking good mood today! i feel kinda bad, though, because my main reason for being in such a good mood is that matt is currently in the williamson county jail. it's only for a week, though, which is not nearly enough for him. he's such a creep. i don't understand why i got so emotionally involved with someone who is just a jerk, pure and simple. he dragged me so far down that i didn't know how i was going to get back up...but he's paying now...even if it is a small price.

2001-09-08T14:54:00.000-05:00

why am i so frustrated today? i can't seem to do anything or talk to anyone without getting just downright pissy. i'm really missing nashville today. i miss being around so many people who know my moods and how to handle them. i know that when i left, things were really bad and i needed to get out of that place, but now i'm missing the good times...and even the bad. i miss playing darts with weasel and brandon - remembering the first time i beat weasel, and all the times brandon made me play without my contacts or glasses "to even the playing field," he liked to say. i miss being able to go to waffle house in the middle of the night and know that at least five people would walk in and say hey to me. i miss ronnie, brian, miss sharon, and yes, i even miss nick...even though i think of him every time i hear ani's "untouchable face."

i'm supposed to be at my parents' house in 20 minutes...guess i better put on my happy face and get going.

2001-09-07T21:46:00.000-05:00

new look...whaddya think? go to my board and tell me. i've played with it all night, and finally think i like it.

2001-09-07T16:02:00.000-05:00

i'm back online, after a couple of days of having modem issues. sometimes i really hate computers.

how can one day be so much fun and so yucky all at the same time? exhibit A: yesterday. last night was a lot of fun...the debut of the swingin' elvises, my softball team. we really stink, but we have a lot of fun. that was a blast, but the rest of yesterday basically sucked ass. i went to nashville to have lunch with kel and retrieve everything i left in the explorer after our trip. she seemed a bit off...i'm not sure if there was something really wrong or if she was just tired and frustrated from a bad night's work on wednesday.

the rest of the yucky stuff is my fault...i totally brought it on myself. after we finished lunch, i didn't want to leave yet, but i didn't have anything else planned. so stupid me drives to brentwood to amsouth bank, to see if matt (my ex) was working. sure enough, he was. i circled the parking lot, but didn't stop...at first. called kelly and said "tell me not to do it"...which she did, but i didn't listen. what an idiot. i wanted to do it, though. i wanted to walk in and see his face and know that i am so much better than the person i was when i was with him. i wanted him to think, "man i really am a jackass...i treated her so bad." i should have known that wouldn't happened. the last i heard out of matt was when he called in july. i didn't talk to him, but wrote him a letter outlining all the reasons i thought we shouldn't talk. i confronted him about the lies, the cheating, and the drugs. i told him that if he truly wanted to be friends with me again, he would have to own up to all the lies, and come clean - tell the truth about everything that happened. i mailed that letter from church camp...but he says he never received it. of course, i don't believe that. he had that look on his face...the one that always told me when he was lying about something. plus, he was biting his lip and his eyes got bigger...total give away for his lies. we talked for about 10 minutes...i was very short and even a bit snappy...especially after one comment. he has to go to jail next week for his theft and possession plea (only for a week, which i think is way too leniant). he told me about it, but kinda blew it off by saying, "well, at least it's in williamson county, where it'll just be a bunch of rednecks...at least i don't have to go to metro jail where i'd be scared to drop my soap in the shower." i just stared at him...i know that look had to bore a hole through his skull. he said "i was just kidding, it was a joke," to which i replied that it wasn't a very funny joke, considering the circumstances. so then he gets on the sexuality soapbox, telling me that it was just "experimentation" and "we weren't even together when that happened"...which is of course complete bullshit. i just want him to look me in the eyes and say this..."I cheated on you with a guy. It was not the first time I had been with a guy, and it was not the last time. i was addicted to painkillers while we were dating, too. i never loved you, and our relationship was a big joke." he doesn't even have to tell me he's gay...just admit what you did, you wuss.

sorry i had to vent...i just can't believe i let him affect me again.

2001-09-05T00:20:00.000-05:00

today i received email from greg perry, inviting me to lead next year's team to kiev. i have so many mixed emotions on this subject. i want more than anything to return to kiev...that place has become a part of me, and i missed it far more than i had imagined this summer. so many times over the past few months, i thought of kiev...the people i've worked with, the kids at the camps, the way everything feels clean and fresh after it rains, all the million and one emotions that i've felt while there. i'm almost crying just thinking about it now. i know i'll return if God wants me to be there...but am i ready to lead? so many things have happened in my life since the last time i went to kiev...i've changed in so many ways. but not everything that has happened has been good, and i'm afraid that those things in my past that are ugly will hinder me from doing my best as a leader. and then there's the issue of how i handled leadership as kristen's assistant last time...it was really tough for me when kristen left and i took over the team. i butted heads with jeff and zach too often, and thought and said a lot of things i wish i hadn't. i don't feel that i was a very good leader at the time. but that experience did teach me a lot...i'm just afraid i will forget it all when i get back. God, please show me what you want me to do. if i'm meant to lead this team, make it very plain to me that You want me there.

2001-09-03T00:17:00.000-05:00

WARNING: THIS MAY BE A LONG POST
sometimes i have those days when everything seems a little clearer, a little brighter, and makes a little more sense. i think today was one of those days. i'm not totally sure why, but i think a lot of it has to do with the people i saw today, and the things that those people made me think about. or maybe it's because there's a full moon...who knows. earlier today i started thinking about my friend carla, and how frustrated i am with her. carla was one of my best friends at lipscomb, and we went through a lot together. some of it was good, but a lot of it was pretty rotten. we both wasted about a year of our lives partying, drinking, and just generally being irresponsible. she helped me get through a pretty nasty depression, and i helped her get over her jerk ex-fiance...twice. after we graduated two years ago, carla entered nursing school, and our friendship kinda fell off. we still talked, but not quite as much. despite that, i still considered her one of my dearest friends, and shared many triumphs and heartaches with her. shortly before i moved from nashville back to kentucky, i went through some pretty rough stuff with my ex-boyfriend. honestly, it was a relationship that was doomed from the start, but i guess i had to make my own mistakes, and learn what i could from them. when everything started falling apart, i went to carla. she was there when i needed her....but then something happened, and i'm not quite sure what it was. but whatever happened has caused us to only speak once since the beginning of may. for a while, i called and left messages about once a week or so, and my calls were never returned. she called back in july to tell me that another friend of ours was in town from knoxville and wanted to go out, but i was on my way out of town, and we only talked for a few minutes. i don't really know what has happened between the two of us, but it hurts. things have changed for both of us since we graduated, and i understand that. but what i don't understand is her reasoning for dropping out of my life. i could be back with matt, drunk and high, or suicidal, and she wouldn't know...and the same is true in reverse. i have no idea how carla is doing right now. i'd like to know...but friendship is not a one-way street. i may never find out why she hasn't called.

so i said that things seemed a little clearer today, and that's not really evident from my carla story. but it is somewhat true. i realized today that i've been faking it. i try to portray myself as someone who has it all together, that i know where my life is heading, and that i'm happy with who i am. that's not entirely true. sometimes i have it together, but more often, i don't have a clue. i know generally where i'm heading, but i sure don't know how i'm going to get there. and most of the time, i'm really not happy with who i am. yeah, i consider myself a pretty nice person, but sometimes i can be a real jackass. i'm proud that my life isn't nearly as messed up as it used to be...i don't drink like i used to, i don't do drugs, and i try to live a pretty clean life. but i can't say that i don't want a cigarette right now, or that given the opportunity, i wouldn't get high. cigarettes are still a huge temptation for me, and i honestly don't know what i'd do right now if someone offered me pot. i have above-average intelligence, but most of the time i don't use it for anything good, and certainly not for the glory of God. what i still can't quite figure out is why i'm like this. i've been given so much...and i'm not even thinking about Christ's sacrifice...i'm thinking about worldly stuff here. my family is fabulous...i couldn't have wanted for better parents. but so many times (even now, at 25 years old) i do stupid stuff that disappoints, angers, or antagonizes them. outside of my immediate family, i have an incredible support system...but i'm often too proud (or ashamed) to utilize that system. and to top it all, Christ died for me, despite all my scars, all my futile attempts at pleasing Him, all the things i do to run away from Him. i'm 25 years old, and i'm just starting to get my life together.

tonight i spent a lot of time with my parents, my friend lydia, and her parents. lydia and i have always been friends...since birth. neata (her mom) and my mom were best friends in high school and roommates in college. lydia was born six months to the day before me...and we've always been a lot alike. the last time i went to ukraine (june 2000), lydia got married while i was gone. it was the second time i'd missed the wedding of someone very important to me while i was in ukraine. now she and jon are having a baby. they live about an hour away from me, and tonight was the first time i'd seen her since she got pregnant. i've had several friends marry and have babies over the past few years...i've hit that time in my life when a lot of my friends are settling down. but it's different with lydia. i guess she was the closest thing i ever had to a sister...and i'd like to think i was the same for her (she's an only child, too). seeing her six months pregnant was so surreal to me. i realized that i'm so far away from where i want to be. not that i want to get married and have kids right now...i know i'm not ready for that. it's just that i see all these people i know who have their lives all together, and mine is in pieces scattered all over the place. i can't even find all the pieces, much less figure out how they're supposed to fit together. i just know that the puzzle isn't complete...not yet.

so where does all this leave me, and how does it all fit in with my mood tonight? i'm not totally sure. this is when it's hard for me to be back in bowling green. when i was in nashville, at least i had rachelle and kelly right there...two people who know me almost better than i know myself. here, i don't really have a whole lot of friends. i have people i talk to on a fairly regular basis, and a couple of folks who are becoming good friends, but no one who knows where i've been, and has watched this whole process. i guess that's what i'm kinda wishing for right now...someone who understands me.

i know that God has an incredible plan for my life, and i know that He is watching over me...sometimes it's just hard to see that.

2001-08-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

i've been a little down all day today, and i just realized why. four years ago saturday was the day chris died. for those of you who haven't known me very long, chris witte was a friend of mine, and he died on september 1, 1997 after being involved in a motorcycle collision on granny white pike, the street that lipscomb university is on. he was riding without a helmet, leaving campus to go home for the day, when he lost control of his bike shortly after pulling out of the parking lot in front of high rise dorm. his bike slid into oncoming traffic, where he was run over and killed instantly. chris and i were not very good friends, we basically just knew each other because my roommate was dating his roommate. but he was a neat guy, the kind of guy that you couldn't dislike and you couldn't be sad around. his death sent me into a downward spiral that lasted for most of my last two years of college. one thing that really struck me is that, while i was angry at God for taking away my friend, i realized that He had protected me at that time, too. i had a class that afternoon, and was heading to campus when chris had his wreck. i usually parked in the same parking lot where he had his bike, but for some reason that day, i chose to park behind the library, and took a different route to campus. i had my windows down; it was a beautiful day. at the intersection of belmont and shackelford, i heard brakes squealing and a big crash. i didn't think a lot of it at the time, just headed to class and hoped no one had been hurt. after getting out of class, i went back to my apartment. when i walked in, i saw my roommate (tanya) standing in the kitchen talking on the phone. this was odd, because she usually didn't get in from work until after 6pm, and it was only 4pm. she hung up the phone as i walked into the living room and sat on the couch. as she walked into the living room, i realized she was crying. i had never seen her cry like that before. you can figure out what follows...she told me about the wreck. i asked when it happened, and she told me around 3:15...my heart sank. i realized that was the time that i was heading to class...and that if i had taken my normal route, i would have witnessed a friend's death.

i don't know exactly why i had to write out the story of chris' death...maybe because i hadn't thought about it in a while, and because i don't want to forget him. soccer season has started, and every time i see a loud-mouthed, obnoxious goalie, i'll think of chris and smile. basketball season will start soon, and every time i see lavonda johnson play, i'll think of david, my dad's friend who died two years ago...david was about the only coach in the state of kentucky that thought lavonda had the talent to play division I basketball. every time my dad tells stories about business trips he used to take with his old firm, and the pranks they would all pull on each other, i'll think of his best friend jeff, who died not too long ago. and many other things will remind me of rachel, pa and murmur, and kevin adams. i don't ever want to forget these people, and all the others i've loved and lost along the way.

2001-08-29T11:44:00.000-05:00

i forgot how crazy school can get...even if it's only the second week and i only have 9 hours. there are always things i need to be doing, and always things i'm procrastinating about. so i've ignored ye ole blog for a while, but i'm back now. my classes are going well...especially my tuesday afternoon. it's "teaching reading for middle and secondary grades", and i think i'm really going to learn a lot. plus, it's the only class where i know someone - this chick bonnie that i used to work with is in there with me, and we're having a ton of fun.

tonight i'm going to nashville to see john mayer in concert. i'm really hoping we can make it there on time...but i'm sure we won't, between me driving down after class, parking downtown, and everything else that always makes us late. i hate being late...that's one of my biggest pet peeves. i consider myself to be a reasonably punctual person. i'm on time to class, work, church, get-togethers with friends and family...and if i'm gonna be more than 5 minutes late, i call. people who are perpetually late really annoy me. sorry, had to vent a little there.

i think i'm gonna take a little nap before heading to class this afternoon...didn't sleep well.

2001-08-20T09:38:00.000-05:00

yikes, i didn't realize that it had been a week since i posted. guess last week was a little crazy. i bought a guitar! it's not the greatest in the world, but it has a nice sound and it fit into my budget (it's a washburn, btw). so i've been playing quite a bit lately. but i'll have to take a break from that today, because i start grad school this afternoon! i have one class this afternoon, one tonight, and one tomorrow afternoon. i am excited, of course, but a tad apprehensive, as well.

as for my dear friend laurie, we finally connected over the phone....but she and chris were in nashville this weekend and i didn't get to see them. partially my fault, because i didn't check my messages during the james taylor concert. good news on the ukraine front - my friend vika is in the states for a while - and she's only about an hour away from where i live! i'm going to call tomorrow and try to head up there and visit her. i miss all my ukraine connections.

i'll continue this later...gotta go get my student id and parking pass.

2001-08-13T20:28:00.000-05:00

it's been a really yucky monday. it was very pretty outside in good ole' bowling green, but that just made the fact that i'm in a rotten mood more evident. i've been trying to run down my friend laurie for several days now...we always seem to play phone tag. plus, i think there's some kind of weird cosmic thing going on with my phone...it doesn't seem to want to call her number. i can call it from my cell phone and get laurie and chris' answering machine, but when i call from my apartment phone, i just get one of those annoying little messages - y'know..."we're sorry, your call cannot be completed...." stinks, huh? anyway, i'm pretty down today, and need to discuss lots o' stuff with laurie. but alas, we cannot connect. perhaps tomorrow.

my computer is doing something pretty screwy right now, so i guess i'd better post and get off...

later, yo.

2001-08-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

i'm back in bowling green now - home sweet home. my emotions about the trip are so mixed that i don't know how to put them all into words. of course, i had a good time, and i'm glad i went. but then there were things that made everything all jumbled up in my head. i'm not saying it's entirely anyone else's fault, or entirely mine...it's just a reality.

sometimes i do really dumb things. my thankfulness for God's grace can't be measured.

here's a little song by my good friend jess for you...you better like it, because it took me forever to find the lyrics! (i hope this is all of them...i'll update if it's not...)

"she is mine"
- by jessica h. phillips, 1999

secrets swim around me so deep i almost drown
submerged in solitary, self-reflection, no peace is found
and who would want this tattered, shattered life i've made so far?
and who could find a beauty, hidden deep under my scars?

down from heaven you saw my shame and still chose me for your bride,
prepared a dress and came to earth and let them crucify you.
and for my honor, for my guilt-covered name you gave your life,
so you could stand and say, 'she is mine"

blinded by emotions, so dark i cannot see
is this your hand or my flesh, the force that's driving me?
how could i, so frail, be holding all your pow'r and peace?
why would you, so holy, want to pay the dirty price for me?

down from heaven you saw my shame and still chose me for your bride,
prepared a dress and came to earth and let them crucify you.
and for my honor, for my guilt-covered name you gave your life,
so you could stand and say, 'she is mine"

2001-08-10T00:26:00.000-05:00

derek webb - just don't want coffee - partial lyrics

i still hear you telling me what a big mistake i've made.
funny that's what i've been telling you
but i can lead a horse to water, and you can even make him drink
but you can't change his point of view
and tonight as i was driving home i passed a coffee house
and you know i wrestled with the truth
how i'd explain to you what you could never understand,
and how i'd keep my mind from you

but that's the price i pay,
and your way is not my way
today's another day,
and i'm okay....

so sue me if i just don't want coffee tonight...

if you know me well (or if you talked to me tonight!), you know a lot of what's behind this...pray for the people that are so dear to me, the people that i care about, and the people that i just recently met...that they come to know the Lord, that they leave behind everything they depend on that is not God, that they come to understand what my feeble human words just can't explain.

2001-08-10T00:17:00.000-05:00

well, the train has rolled into boston, which will be my final destination. as it turns out, kelly and i both have school obligations...mine are in kentucky and hers are in rhode island, so i'm flying back to nash-vegas saturday afternoon so she won't have to drive back and forth just to drop me off. boston has been very nice, as was bristol. hanging out with heather and catherine in rhode island was a lot of fun...although bristol did have its drawbacks - mainly the temperature and the lack of air conditioning at heather's apartment! : ( but she did have a fabulous indoor hammock, which was a great place for afternoon naps, no matter what the temperature might have been.

so anyway, we're in quincy, mass staying with kelly's friend andy. there's air conditioning here, which is a VERY good thing! (we also didn't have AC in brooklyn) today was a good, laid-back kind of day. we slept in pretty late, then headed into boston to walk around and do a bit of shopping. kelly and i each had our "me" time, since we met up with megan and melissa. the four of us had dinner, then melissa and kel hung out for a while, and mego and i just walked all around boston and talked. it was very relaxed and nice, and i REALLY appreciate the wonderful conversation and wise advice of the queen o' the guild!

in review, the trip has been crazy, and draining (physically and emotionally) at times, but i'm glad i went. kelly and i both needed the time away from everything, and i know that seeing all of her new england connections has been good for her. as for me, i guess the best thing for me was having a last taste of freedom before starting grad school and figuring out what i'm going to do for the rest of my life! it's also helped me reaffirm a lot of my beliefs, and think really hard about my life and where i'm headed. kelly and i had a long discussion about christianity, philosophy, and education in general with ryan (the guy we stayed with in brooklyn). it was a very trying discussion - mainly because ryan (while being very intelligent) tends to be somewhat disrespectful of opinions that are contrary to his own. it's hard talking to people like that and trying to get them to see your point of view. i just thought about how wise derek webb's words are in "just don't want coffee" - even though i don't listen to that song too much anymore...i'll post them when i remember them...or at least the ones i think are applicable to the situations i'm facing right now.

that's it for now...unless anything remarkable happens, the next post will probably be from good ole' bowling green...home sweet home. y'all have a good one, now, y'hear? later.

2001-08-07T10:48:00.000-05:00

hello from bristol, rhode island! we left new jersey for NYC on friday, then stayed in brooklyn until sunday afternoon. not much excitement in new york besides the metropolitan museum of art, which was fabulous! we left nyc late sunday afternoon and headed for rhode island. this will probably be the most relaxed part of our trip. kelly has some school things to take care of, and i'm just hanging out! yesterday we kicked around providence with our friend catherine, and between the three of us, we bought about 30 books at the brown university bookstore (there was a big clearance section).

i'm learning more guitar stuff, and i've decided that i'm going to have to buy one soon...so if anyone has one they're looking to sell for a decent price, let me know!

that's about it for now...more later!

2001-08-03T12:39:00.000-05:00

greetings from nutley, new jersey! yes, we're still alive and kicking! we finally made it to DC at about 3am on thursday...27 hours after starting in bowling green. now, if you look at a map, you will realize that it's not that far to DC from kentucky, in fact, it should only take 12 hours or so. so here's what happened to us...we left bowling green at about 1130pmEST on tuesday, planning to drive all night and make it to DC sometime wednesday afternoon. we were driving on the bluegrass parkway between elizabethtown and lexington, ky, when our cd player stopped working. i was driving, so kel turned on the dome light to see what was wrong. as she was playing with the cd player, i noticed the dome light getting dimmer...then our lights got dimmer...then the engine started jumping...yep, that's right, we didn't even make it out of kentucky before we broke down. we initially thought it was the battery, but it turned out to be the alternator. anyway, we made it the final 15 miles to lexington (the last 4 without headlights), and began the journey of trying to get the car diagnosed and fixed. it is not very easy to find a 24-hour garage in lexington. while we were waiting for someone to help us out, we pulled out kelly's guitar, and i started learning chords! yay! kel hasn't been playing for very long, but she has a very sweet gibson acoustic.

anyway, back to the car...we finally got it fixed about 15 hours after arriving in lexington...after going through 3 different alternators and bonding with everyone working at the B & P auto and truck repair shop on old frankfort pike. they rocked! so we're up and running now, and have made it to our second stop on the trip. yesterday we went into DC from wheaton to have lunch with kelly's friend paul. we took the defective alternator with us, and have pictures of it in several places around DC, including the office of a senator from maine! ; ) today we're just hanging out and catching up on sleep (and drinking tommy's coffee!). tomorrow we head into manhatten, with the main stop being the metropolitan museum of art!!!! we'll head to rhode island soon, and stay there for a few days, then visit boston and head up to maine. we kept an amazingly good attitude while stuck in lexington...largely due to my feeble attempts to play the guitar! seriously, though, i'm getting better, and my fingertips on my left hand are sore but getting tougher! more to come...pray for our safety and the safety of our car!!! ; )

2001-07-31T06:26:00.000-05:00

all right campers, here goes! we'll be leaving in about an hour or so (as long as kelly's alarm went off this morning), and should make it to DC this evening! the ultimate road trip begins...who knows where it will take us. i'll do my best to post from the road and give everyone an update on the craziness that we know will ensue. take care!

2001-07-30T16:17:00.000-05:00

ok, so i've tried to post like three times today, and each of them failed for some reason or another. stinky poo! anyway, all three had lots of information about my impending road trip...less than 24 hours away! looks like this post is gonna work, so i'll let y'all in on what's going on in the next couple of weeks.

my best friend kelly and i are leaving bowling green tomorrow morning and driving to DC. after spending a day or so with her friend alette, we'll head to NYC, with a short stop in jersey to visit a couple of folks and pick up pat so he can go to NY with us. we'll probably stay there a couple of days, then head to providence and bristol - kelly's old stomping grounds! (with a possible detour to boston on friday) we'll stay there as long as we have couches to sleep on, and then head to anna's in maine. i'm so excited - i've never been to maine! (plus, this trip is helping me accomplish my goal of visiting 25 states by the time i'm 25 - although i turned 25 about a month ago) anyway, after we kick around maine for a few days, we're heading to montreal (definitely) and toronto (maybe). from there, we'll head back down south, with a possible detour in chicago to see my friend page.

whew! i'm worn out now - and the trip hasn't even started! i know this is going to be a good thing for both of us, though. we just need to get out of the south for a while before school and work take over our lives.

gotta go to dinner with mom in a bit...more on the trip to come!

2001-07-29T16:06:00.000-05:00

countdown to the ultimate road trip...2 days! yipee! i have so much laundry and other stuff to do, but where am i? sitting at my computer, just like i have for most of the day.

it's been somewhat of a long, tiring day. lately, i've really had to examine a lot of the reasons behind my beliefs. that's both good and bad. it's good because i'm finally (after 25 years) making my faith my own. it's not so good because i'm realizing that i don't agree with a lot of stuff that's commonly believed among people at my church. this is the church where i was raised; my parents attend there, and i've never gone anywhere else in bowling green. so it would be very hard for me to leave...but then again, it's very hard on me to stay. there are so many good, Godly people at my church...i've really enjoyed getting to know the people who have moved in over the last 7 years (while i was in nashville). but there are so many people who are very judgemental - and the things they judge others on aren't issues of salvation...they're petty, small-minded things that don't really matter when you look at the big picture. why are we here? to praise our Lord and God, and to bring others to Him. so many of us have lost our focus. i'm not claiming that my focus is right on or that i have it all figured out, because i don't. but i think i've gained a pretty good worldview, and figured out what's most important, and what really don't need to waste our time worrying about.

yikes, i'm rambling today. i guess when i get that "righteous indignation" (as my mother calls it) flowing, it's hard to turn it off. i guess the whole point of this is that through spending time in kyiv (and living in nashville, on a smaller scale), my worldview has been vastly changed. i've seen life away from God, i've been very far away from God, and i've experienced life in a country other than the US. what have i learned? a lot, i hope...starting with my state of grace (EVERYONE NEEDS TO LISTEN TO PIERCE PETTIS' NEW CD - STATE OF GRACE!!)...maybe i need to be more understanding of others' perspectives. who knows....

i need to do laundry...and go to the grocery...and figure out what i'm taking on the road trip...yikes.
later.

2001-07-28T10:16:00.000-05:00

check my links...just added my discussion board, "the wallflower's haven." come hang out.

more later today

2001-07-27T13:56:00.000-05:00

if there were ever any time for the mean reds, it is right now! i just finished an awful, grueling hour (which actually seemed like about 4 hours) of registering for my fall classes over the web. it sucked! so now i have the mean reds, but i can't just up and go to tiffany's, so i guess i'll have to figure out another way to get rid of my mean reds. listening to pierce pettis helps...just got his new cd today from grassroots. very good music. i have to laugh when i remember my first introduction to pierce...driving from nashville to clarksville on no sleep at all after a critical intro to the bible test...jess and friends opening for pierce...pierce almost lulling me to sleep with his simply incredible voice...ahh, the memories!

2001-07-27T13:05:00.000-05:00

oh yeah, forgot this....countdown to lj and kelly's ultimate road trip...4 days away!

2001-07-27T12:53:00.000-05:00

ok, hopefully i'll stick with this template/format/whatever. i've played with it for three days now. ok so here's a little more about me...i'm about to start graduate studies at western kentucky university in bowling green, kentucky. it's a nice little town, even if i did grow up here. here's why this is the "confessions of a waffle house junkie"...i feel that i owe some of my undergraduate degree to the waffle house on sidco drive in nashville. after all, i spent a great deal of time there, and even wrote my paper for my senior research class there! i've met a great many people at waffle house, and through these people, i have decided that waffle house is like a microcosm of society...you can find all types of people there, from all parts of society....the gamut of socio-economic groups, ages, ethnicities, etc. can all be found at your average waffle house.
that's my waffle house story...sorry to bore you, now i'll get to what's going on these days...
have you ever said something that didn't seem that bad when it came out, but later on you realized, "man, i'm an idiot!"??? i guess we've all done that, but hopefully not many of us are as dumb as me...i hurt my very best friend through a comment like this. sometimes i really wish i had a rewind button on life. today is one of those days.
that's about it for today...i'm kinda tired, and i need to clean my house. i'll close out with a song from one of my favorite singer/songwriter/generally cool guys...pierce pettis. this is the ultimate song to hear when you get down on yourself and your lot in life...
when you start to doubt if you exist,
God believes in you.
confounded by the evidence,
God believes in you.
when your light burns so dim, when your chances seem so slim,
and you swear you don't believe in Him,
God believes in you
when you rise up just to fall again,
God believes in you.
deserted by your closest friends,
God believes in you.
when you're betrayed with a kiss, and you turn your cheek to another fist,
it does not have to end like this,
God believes in you.
oh, everything matters if anything matters at all.
everything matters, no matter how big, no matter how small
oh, God believes in you,
oh, God believes in you.
when you're so ashamed that you could die,
God believes in you
and you can't do right even though you try,
God believes in you
oh, blessed are the ones who grieve,
the ones who mourn, the ones who bleed,
in sorrow you sow but in joy you will reap,
God believes in you,
blessed are the ones who grieve,
the ones who mourn, the ones who bleed,
in sorrow you sow but in joy you will reap,
God believes in you,
oh, God believes in you.

2001-07-26T23:29:00.000-05:00

testing testing!

2001-07-24T17:33:00.000-05:00

well, here goes...this is a test to see if i'm actually working. i'm LJ (real name Laura Johnson) and i've decided to jump on the blog bandwagon. you'll learn more about me as we travel on, but here's a few likes and dislikes. i like: a prayer for owen meany, caedmon's call, road trips, lemon fanta (anyone know where i can find it in the states?), vertical horizon, my old gap bootcut jeans, darts, and breakfast at tiffany's (hence my url: the mean reds...watch the movie and you'll figure it out) dislikes: getting dressed up, getting up early, black olives (so that's random...get over it), and people who make me angry. that's about it for now. check back soon for more updates. have a good one.